Feb Thirteenth

 Assalamualaikum, I'm back here again to rant. 

Adulting sucks. I love what I'm doing rn to get my source of income but pushing my self to the level best, you already push and boss expect to push lagi, I dont know what else he wants. Kalau air mata aku yang bertakung ni lagi tak cukup untuk bagitahu dia yang my work is overload then my resignation letter probably will. I challenged myself to stay until the end of this year. I will learn as much as I can, take the challenge, cry and get back up again, and try to complete all my current construction project I'm working on right now, six of them to be exact. If by the end of this year gaji tak naik at least half I will move to grow kat tempat lain or grow sendiri and not working for someone else anymore. Babe I sound selfish, but I dah push my level best working from 8 - 5 every single day then bos said apa yang aku buat tak give impact pun like wth? "Then if you have to work long hours then you should work long hours" "I don't care". Wehhh hahhaha. I work to live, bukan nya live to work. Dah la sabtu pun kerja, hahhaha. 

My energy should be spent on things that benefit me, not draining me. I'm writing this so that I will know this exact feeling later on when I wanna be lazy, this is the exhaustion feeling kerja bawah orang. You have no choice but if you are working on your own, you malas, it will impact directly on you, you rajin it will impact directly on you jugak. Kepuasan tu you sendiri yang rasa. 

Aku terasa sebenarnya, aku kerja hari hari, for this project and that project and basically semua project. Babe orang lain handle in the beginning je or masa tertentu je aku handle across the projects, every single problem kena ambik tahu, kena faham, kena tahu solution, kena follow up orang, dah instruct lepastu nak follow up pulak, nak monitor pula if diorg follow plan or not, attend lots of meetings, then report pulak, defects pulak, drawing keluar masuk pun aku handle, lepastu yang jenis member tak nak buat kerja dia then aku yang kena buat sebab at the end of the day aku yang akan kena ni macam mana, in fact I have a long list of my to do list everyday bila aku datang kerja and I tackle each and every list every single day. My job scope is too wide, and too many projects and tahu apa bos kata? 
" Beef up! " " You ni


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I just reread this and oh rupanya belum habis tulis ya this post. I don't even remember what did my boss said but I remember what happened to me. That particular month aku punya period datang dua kali, sebab stress sangat agaknya. I bleed people, and if orang lain rasa benda ni remeh then entahla sebab seumur hidup aku, aku tak pernah period sampai dua kali dalam sebulan, meaning 2 weeks of period with a gap. I am down and depressed for a few days, I cry a lot, I allow myself to be down for a week then I move on and let go.

still here still working,
but now my bos " you are good, I want you to be here" meaning staying and serving the company basically. I told him directly, Im expecting increment maximum 2 years no increment and I will leave the company. I have target in life. I serve the company and when I think I have given enough, I'll leave.

just a lil update

 heyy assalamualaikum.

semalam kan aku masak tomyam sotong untuk family dekat rumah, and plus I was hungry so masak je lah bebanyak, tau tak lepas parents balik tu aku kena marah sebab masak tomyam? like, hahha seriously kelakar la. Taklah aku sedih sebenarnya, ye lah dah masak, pastu kena marah? sebenarnya tak boleh brain kenapa orang marah sebab aku masak tomyam, reason marah sebab takde orang nak makan, kena sotong masak biasa tu je baru orang makan, takleh masak tomyam, kena mask biasa, then if takde yang makan masuk peti ais la esok aku yang makan kan. I mean, kenapa ya kena marah, when I actually put effort to cook for everyone to eat, pastu kena marah? aku tak faham and sedih juga. Aku punye goals this year is to cook for family every Sunday, in a way aku boleh belajar masak jugak, so tu jelah nak cerita aku sedih. Dah tiga minggu aku masak untuk family, first week, daging masak itam *like yayy finally tahu masak benda ni sebab ni faverettt sangat*, then second week masak sambal sotong *pengajaran nya masak sambal sotong jangan letak sos cili next time sebab so cili manehh*, third week, this weekla, masak tomyam sotong, telur goreng daun bawang dengan sayur campur brokoli with carrot *"tak payah masak tomyam, takde orang nak makan"-Abah*

I dont feel like going back home pun now, still in office crying my heart out, its 6.12pm. Sepatutnya by 5pm dah balik dah sebab datang awal tapi aku nak update blog ni dulu and nanges puas puas dulu, then baru balik. 

ada reason lain sebenarnya tapi aku simpan diam diam dalam hati

dan another reason is, 

Abah is trying to find calon untuk dijodohkan dengan aku, just the thought of it pun buat aku rasa stress sangat. Rasa takmau balik rumah, I have goals to achieve, I wanna buy house, and I want to have source of income yang tak terikat dengan office hour, and I wanna achieve that with someone yang I have on my mind.. 

the thought of living with someone yang I barely know is stressing me out, I dont get comfortable with people easily, this freaks me out, can I just leave home? 

Can I?

this morning

yesterday night Abah asked for my height, I said 161cm, he said "tingginya" nope aku tak fikir banyak pun but its kinda weird bila Abah asked tht kind of question to me

today, this morning before gi kerja, he said "nanti bagi gambar kakak yang lawa kat Abah", "buat apa?" i asked. "Nak carikan kawan untuk kakak la". I  w a s  s h o c k e d. "Kakak takda kawan dengan sesape ke?" he asked. I pretend as if I'm not listening, searching for Ibu because yelah nak pergi kerja kan, so nak salam, but he kept on asking. Ibu tengah sembahyang pula so I can't salam so I stand there, he asked repeatedly. I answered him. Decided to tell him that I like someone but I don't know if dia ada the same feeling towards me. That's it and the following questions, like umur berapa, dia asal mana, tinggal mana, dah kahwin ke belum, kerja mana, macam mana kenal dia, aku jawab je semua. 

youknow what,
aku percaya if aku bagi gambar kat Abah, mesti akan ada yang suka punya dan akan ada yang datang nak kenal, and mesti punye akan ada yang sangkut dengan aku. In fact if Abah tak carikan pun, memang ada yang cuba nak kawan kawan, but I stopped them right there where they tried to knock. I'm not letting them in. Why? sebab aku tak nak

I'm so tired of letting people in and what they did was main mainkan perasaan aku, 
I want a real thing, a real commitment, a real relationship, real feelings, no more wasting time.

and I have my preferences too, babe rupa harta tak penting pun. If aku selesa dengan kau then nothing else matter. If I'm being me around you, nothing else matter man, nothing else matter, I just need to feel comfortable with the man yang I choose to live sampai akhir hayat aku, thats all I need and hanya ada certain kind of guy je yang aku boleh be comfortable with. If you know, you know. 

I stop here, satgi sambung tulis lagi.

fourth day of 2020

I know I'm a different person now, the way I think, the way I present myself, the way I work, I changed totally since May last year, somewhere masa puasa. I've been through a lot awal tahun lepas, in fact 2017 pun macam macam benda jadi. My heart broke in a million pieces but whatever has happened dah jadi dah pun, aku dah maafkan dan dah buang jauh jauh dari hidup aku semua yang affect me physically and emotionally. Kerja aku affected teruk ya, but i come back stronger than ever. I'm happier now Alhamdulillah.

titik tolak nak berubah tu mula dari diri sendiri je actually. I even googled how to wake up for Subuh, what to do so that I will not missed Subuh, and everything related to Subuh, apa benefit Subuh, macam macam aku google sampai I come across facebook Tuan Afnan Rosli, read his status and immediately joined his class masa puasa last year and yes that is the best decision that I've ever made last year, class dia cost me around RM250 for two days, he is not very popular back then, but now Tuan Afnan dah berdiri sama tinggi dengan Prof Muhaya. Dia kena kecam, kelas dia kena boikot, as alumni I dont get it why.

tapi ape apepun he stands stronger than ever walau macam macam jadi, still happy still living. I wanna be happy and alive too!

therapeutic tau ada blog ni sebenarnya you can actually bermonolog dengan diri sendiri, hahha okay ill be updating more later, nak settle kerja jap.

 2019 goals

kesimpulannya hanya a few je yang accomplished, the rest tu still working on it.

yang berjaya no 4, no 6, no 9, no 10, no 11, no 16, no 17 and no 19.

yang the rest ada yang dah start and ada yang dah halfway dan ada juga yang tak start langsung ehehehe contohnya macam no 13, no 14 dan no 15 tu belum start at all. lenlain tu semuaaa aku ada buat cuma belum accomplished apa apa so ill renew my goals this year uyeah so excited to list it all down and achieve them all!