this morning

yesterday night Abah asked for my height, I said 161cm, he said "tingginya" nope aku tak fikir banyak pun but its kinda weird bila Abah asked tht kind of question to me

today, this morning before gi kerja, he said "nanti bagi gambar kakak yang lawa kat Abah", "buat apa?" i asked. "Nak carikan kawan untuk kakak la". I  w a s  s h o c k e d. "Kakak takda kawan dengan sesape ke?" he asked. I pretend as if I'm not listening, searching for Ibu because yelah nak pergi kerja kan, so nak salam, but he kept on asking. Ibu tengah sembahyang pula so I can't salam so I stand there, he asked repeatedly. I answered him. Decided to tell him that I like someone but I don't know if dia ada the same feeling towards me. That's it and the following questions, like umur berapa, dia asal mana, tinggal mana, dah kahwin ke belum, kerja mana, macam mana kenal dia, aku jawab je semua. 

youknow what,
aku percaya if aku bagi gambar kat Abah, mesti akan ada yang suka punya dan akan ada yang datang nak kenal, and mesti punye akan ada yang sangkut dengan aku. In fact if Abah tak carikan pun, memang ada yang cuba nak kawan kawan, but I stopped them right there where they tried to knock. I'm not letting them in. Why? sebab aku tak nak

I'm so tired of letting people in and what they did was main mainkan perasaan aku, 
I want a real thing, a real commitment, a real relationship, real feelings, no more wasting time.

and I have my preferences too, babe rupa harta tak penting pun. If aku selesa dengan kau then nothing else matter. If I'm being me around you, nothing else matter man, nothing else matter, I just need to feel comfortable with the man yang I choose to live sampai akhir hayat aku, thats all I need and hanya ada certain kind of guy je yang aku boleh be comfortable with. If you know, you know. 

I stop here, satgi sambung tulis lagi.

fourth day of 2020

I know I'm a different person now, the way I think, the way I present myself, the way I work, I changed totally since May last year, somewhere masa puasa. I've been through a lot awal tahun lepas, in fact 2017 pun macam macam benda jadi. My heart broke in a million pieces but whatever has happened dah jadi dah pun, aku dah maafkan dan dah buang jauh jauh dari hidup aku semua yang affect me physically and emotionally. Kerja aku affected teruk ya, but i come back stronger than ever. I'm happier now Alhamdulillah.

titik tolak nak berubah tu mula dari diri sendiri je actually. I even googled how to wake up for Subuh, what to do so that I will not missed Subuh, and everything related to Subuh, apa benefit Subuh, macam macam aku google sampai I come across facebook Tuan Afnan Rosli, read his status and immediately joined his class masa puasa last year and yes that is the best decision that I've ever made last year, class dia cost me around RM250 for two days, he is not very popular back then, but now Tuan Afnan dah berdiri sama tinggi dengan Prof Muhaya. Dia kena kecam, kelas dia kena boikot, as alumni I dont get it why.

tapi ape apepun he stands stronger than ever walau macam macam jadi, still happy still living. I wanna be happy and alive too!

therapeutic tau ada blog ni sebenarnya you can actually bermonolog dengan diri sendiri, hahha okay ill be updating more later, nak settle kerja jap.